yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
