You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
