Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
