I will die if light touches me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
