yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
