my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
