I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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