i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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