I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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