Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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