shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
