I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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