can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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