She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
