Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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