im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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