What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
