I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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