Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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