I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
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