Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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