I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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