Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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