I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
