my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
