Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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