i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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