Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Someone signed my nipple.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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