Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
