My Higher Power is John Stamos
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
