do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
