just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
