someone threw a dead crab at me
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
