He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
