the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
