Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
