I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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