his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
