i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
