Umm I'm too high to move.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
