Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
