possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
