When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He felt like a one man threesome
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
