I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
