Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I don't deserve a penis
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
