We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
