My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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