none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
