I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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