you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
