i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
