she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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