Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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