Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
