I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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