why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
